Before I get into the meat of this post, I want to make something as clear as a bell. I am not complaining. What I have to say is merely observation. If you didn’t see my Friday post that sparked this one, read that first by following this link.
I think this, the feeling of rarely being completely free, is a real situation in many relationships. And to make sure it doesn’t become a problem instead of just a situation, I believe it’s important to identify it, ponder it, analyze the feelings of all parties to the situation and make changes, decisions, alterations, and take action to find a win-win.
I understand there are marriages where the thought of retirement scares the bejeezus out of the couple. I imagine these couples recognize that though they’re still married, they have few things in common anymore. Sometimes they no longer even like each other much. I can see how that happens after a lifetime where the years fly by raising a family, working to keep a roof over your heads and food on the table, and trying to maintain your sanity in the process. It’s easy to see how the relationship suffers as the couple simply drifts apart and begin to live separate lives. The prospect of merging those lives back together may be daunting.
Thankfully, that’s not the state of our marriage. Randy and I were friends for a long time before we became romantically involved. We never had a family to raise so our relationship with each other was never pushed aside to focus more on other people. We both always worked full-time and had common goals and purpose throughout the nearly 50 years of our marriage. Randy used to say that he worked to support his weekends which, in fact, was kind of true. We enjoyed boating and exploring the areas all over the world where we lived.
During our working years we didn’t spend a lot of time together except for those weekends. Our jobs provided concerns and challenges that were unique to each of us. We didn’t share much of the parts of our work lives with each other, not because we weren’t interested, but rather because we each had our own. Our separate work lives yielded a separate set of friends, and sometimes a separate set of outside of work interests.
That delineation made our together lives all the more precious to us. Neither Randy nor I ever begrudged those outside the marriage relationships and interests. Neither one of us has a jealous bone in our body. In fact, I think Randy has been more supportive of me and the things I choose to do than I ever imagined anyone could. He’s always been my biggest cheerleader and encouraged and helped with, if necessary, most of the ideas (some pretty hairbrained) I’ve ever had.
In 2018 Randy “retired” so he could devote more time to working around the house we bought on 3.5 acres. As we made some changes to the home and property we discovered he could do 90% of the work we were paying others to do at 3 times the money he had been earning. It was a good decision for him personally and for us financially. He had a shop decked out with all the tools he needed. He spent his days puttering and fixing and inventing and keeping himself happily occupied with activity that brought him a lot more satisfaction than his job. I was still working. We still led relatively separate day lives that merged in the evenings and on weekends.
Finally, in mid-2020, I also retired and we began spending nearly all our time together. We traveled a lot that first year in spite of COVID. When we weren’t traveling together, we had no schedule and no real commitments. Neither one of us had hobbies that took us away from the house. Randy was involved in a couple of organizations that held occasional meetings, but we started to creep up on the 24/7/365 togetherness reality of retirement.
When we made the decision to move to Florida the one thing we didn’t think through at all was that 24/7/365 reality. And in the new location, with almost no friends, no activities, no connections outside of our home and each other, we began to experience what I came to think of as the bondage of retirement.
The dictionary defines bondage as slavery. That’s not what I mean here. The bondage I’m talking about is more like being handcuffed together, but with a 50-ft tether between us. Lots of times we are doing different things, but we’re always within shouting distance of each other.
That togetherness is what I felt the freedom from when I went off to Naples by myself last week. We had to, metaphorically, cast off those tethered handcuffs for more than the time it takes to run to Walmart or Home Depot. For the first time in a long time I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted, go where I wanted, make a spur of the moment decision to do something different, all without considering what the person on the other side of the tether wanted or needed.
Again, I want to make clear that I’m not complaining. Randy and I have few problems coping with that constant togetherness. Still, the break felt good, not needed so much, just good. Maybe like a teen-ager who gets her first car and isn’t dependent on her parents anymore. Maybe I just found it encouraging to reassure myself that I still am able to drive, that I can function just fine without the tether. It was an interesting feeling, being mentally untethered. I can’t even describe it to you here without sounding a little kooky, or even completely nuts.
As I pondered that strange feeling of freedom, I thought of the American slaves who, after the Civil War, were offered their freedom. In a life of slavery many of them were comfortable and cared for. They couldn’t imagine being better off in “freedom.” So, they chose to stay in the same situation they’d lived their whole lives.
That invisible tether to a spouse of 50 years seems a lot like that to me. There’s safety and security and comfort in knowing that the tether is also a lifeline to someone who you can count on, no matter what. In that context, at our age, it’s not so bad to be a slave to love. I’ll take the bondage of retirement, thank you very much.
P.S. The Sahara Dust has been keeping the hurricane activity low and my coughing and wheezing high. But they say that’s winding down and they’re watching a disturbance that this morning has a 60% chance of development. If it does develop the cone of concern shows Florida is a possibility. And so it begins. Boo hiss.
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