Carla and I had lunch together yesterday and she asked me what I was going to write about tomorrow. I was a little taken aback. I don’t know what’s going on in my temporarily impaired widow brain, but I hadn’t given one moment’s thought to the fact that tomorrow is Tuesday. And Tuesday is Blog Post Day.
I was surprised by how surprised I was. I guess it reinforces just how out-of-whack (the definition being something that’s not working right) I am these days. Way too many things are just not working right!
I’m damned tired of being out-of-whack.
Right after Randy died, I was cautioned, by those who’ve been through this journey I was embarking on, to be sure to give myself grace. I was told it is common, inevitable almost, to have Widow Brain, which I’ve written about before. You can find that post here.
Widow Brain is an ultimate out-of-whack condition.
Last week I wrote a post about re-imagining my living room arrangement. I ran into a problem because the connections for the over-the-air TV antenna Randy installed in the attic and the internet modem (from Xfinity/ComCast cable) were on opposite walls where I now want them to be. I hardly slept last Tuesday night worrying about how I could solve that problem.
Randy and I were always able to figure stuff like that out by bouncing ideas off one another. Our two brains made a great team. Sooner or later, we’d solve even the most vexing problems. Now, half of my team’s brain is gone, and the half I have left is way, way out-of-whack.
Thankfully, my twilight helped the following morning. I remember Randy futzing with a cable he ran down the wall to the TV when we moved in. There was a lot of drilling and swearing and attic-to-living room communication on walkie-talkies involved. I wondered how the hell I was going to do that by myself. I dragged a ladder into the kitchen to see what I could see where I was sure that cable snaked from the attic down the wall.
I climbed that ladder and was disappointed there was only one cable there, no connections I might be able to swap. But that triggered another idea. An idea I didn’t like at all. I could, I thought, actually go up into the garage attic, something I’ve never done and never, ever wanted to have to do. That was Randy’s job in our house and marriage. I resigned myself to that as the most likely option to figure out how to make this work.
Safety first, so I called Megan and told her what I was planning to do. I said if I didn’t call her back in an hour she and John should come check on me. She freaked and said they were coming right over so John could go in the attic instead of me.
I had it all figured out in my head though, and I suppose there was a part of me that needed to prove to myself I could do this thing I dreaded. I pulled the attic staircase down and started climbing. It wasn’t nearly as scary (or as hot) as I imagined it would be as I hoisted myself up into the rafters.
Sure enough, there, in plain sight, was the antenna with the cable connecting 2 TVs, and another cable coming from outside the house which had to be the internet modem. Widow Brain notwithstanding, I was able to think logically about how they must all work. I’d brought my cell phone up to the attic with me for 3 reasons. First, I could call for help if necessary. Second, and more importantly, because it would show when I disconnected the right internet cable connection. Third, because before I went up to the attic, I set my Ring camera in front of the TV which was on. That enabled me to clearly see when I disconnected the Living Room TV antenna cable. I was damn proud of myself for being so clever and figuring out how to do all that without Randy.
And it all worked just the way I imagined it!
When Megan and John got there a few minutes later, I yelled down to them that I had it all figured out but I needed a pliers to break a connection loose. Within minutes of John handing that to me I had all the cables swapped. I came down from the attic, confirmed all were working correctly, went back up to label everything (because after all I’m the queen of Thinking 2 Steps Ahead), came back downstairs and started to sob. I cried for an hour.
I cried because I’m so out-of-whack. Or maybe because I’m not so out-of-whack. I cried because I did something I didn’t think I would be able to do. I cried because I was able to figure it out by myself. I cried because I felt like I might have won the biggest prize I could imagine—a sense of victory over fear. I cried because Randy would have been proud of me. And I cried because I cry about almost everything these days.
So, does that mean I’m no longer out-of-whack? Not a chance. Forgetting today, Tuesday, is Blog Day, is a good example. And forgetting I made a firm date for lunch with Carla on Monday is another good example. Luckily, I called her to ask what we’d agreed on before I didn’t just not show up.
I toyed with making a case for wacky being the opposite of out-of-whack. I could live with that! Wacky means amusing, eccentric, and very strange in a silly or lighthearted way. Even though they’re homophones, I’m too intellectually honest to try to convince you here that they’re actually opposites.
I just have to be cognizant of how, during the time I’m walking this recent widowhood life path, I need to compensate for the memory lapses, poor focus, decision and general fatigue, slowed thinking, and overall numbness and disconnectedness that are symptoms of Widow Brain.
I hope you’ll grant me the grace I’m learning to grant myself as I move in-and out-of-whack for however long it takes to come to terms with the reality of Randy’s death and the new shape of my life.
P.S. My sister Patti is coming to visit for about 2 and a half weeks in mid-September. We may take a short cruise while she’s here. Several other folks have also booked the guest room at Grathen’s Last Resort for this fall. I’m grateful for everyone who wants to spend some time in Florida with me over the next 6 months. Their being here will help me ease into the new normal without Randy and maybe even help heal the Widow Brain. If you’re thinking about visiting me, call for a reservation!
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