I wrote a short (1 minute read) post last Friday with a graphic that said (basically)….Listen and Silent contain the same letters…..coincidence?
I’ve been thinking about listening a lot this week. Someone once told me that God gave us one mouth, but two ears. Another coincidence?
Have you ever met a (rare) person who gave you their undivided attention when you were speaking to them? I have. It’s startling to realize that not only are they listening to you, they’re concentrating on what you’re saying so they can put themselves in your shoes and try to feel what you’re feeling. It’s a humbling (and convicting) realization.
In school we learn reading, writing and ‘rithmatic, but I’ve never heard of being taught to listen. Yet listening is the key to learning, not only academic subjects, but to life and relationship issues, and is a skill critical to emotional maturity. If you’ve ever been through Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People training, you know that Habit 5 – Seek First to Understand, is primarily about the skill of listening. You learn there are 5 levels of listening: ignoring, pretend, selective, attentive, and empathic.
If you’re honest, you’ll agree that most (I’d venture to say 90%) of the listening we do falls into the first three categories. Because of the noisy world we live in we learn to ignore most of the noise. Then to a lesser extent, we come to pretend to listen to people we live and work with, people who are part of our daily lives. Because we need to respond or take some action based on only some of what they’re saying we also develop the ability to listen selectively to these people. This is a kind of coping mechanism because we don’t have to become involved in or respond to everything everyone is saying to everybody.
Becoming involved, though, is what builds trust and nurtures relationships. And to become involved in other’s lives in an effective, mature, and helpful way, we must listen attentively and empathically. We’re not formally taught listening, so chances are you have no idea what attentive and empathic listening even are, let alone how to do it.
When you are aware you are actively listening to someone, that’s attentive listening. However, most people who listen attentively are listening with the intent to reply at their first opportunity rather than understand what the speaker is saying. How many times have you listened to someone you’ve just met (at a party for example) tell a story of what happened to them? While listening, you’re thinking about responding or how to interject your own story about a similar thing happening to you. Later, everyone knows each other’s stories, but there’s no real foundation for a further interaction or a future relationship.
By contrast, empathic listening differs from attentive listening because as you’re listening, you’re concentrating on understanding what is said from the story teller’s perspective. You may be thinking of questions to ask the story teller about how they felt when something happened, or what they did as a result of the situation, or how they resolved their overwhelming feelings that linger from the incident. Empathic listening involves making an effort to understand what the speaker is saying, feeling, and doing, and dealing with their viewpoint in their situation. As a result, a layer of trust is laid to build or strengthen a relationship.
When we seriously want someone to hear us, oftentimes we say (which really sounds much like a command to the hearer)….”Listen!” Next time someone says that to you, listen with “new”ears and a new attitude. Take that suggestion and try to really understand what they are communicating. In fact, whether or not someone literally asks you to listen, spend a little time becoming aware of how you listen in different situations. Think about whether changing the way you listen could change your interaction with or relationship with that person. It’s an interesting, and possibly life changing, experiment.
P.S. I’ve noticed lately, as I age, that I ask Randy a question and later don’t know what he told me. I’m not sure if it’s because I heard it and can’t remember, or I am so used to ignoring or pretend listening to him that I didn’t HEAR what he said. It takes more effort at 68 to hear and remember what people say to me. I’m trying hard to make a habit of putting appointments or commitments I make in my calendar and using a note taking app to jot down a few words to increase the chances I’ll actually remember things. It’s a work in progress, and a concession to my declining memory skill. C’est la vie.
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