I’ve written often in this blog about my mother, how she and dad were so instrumental in shaping the woman I’ve become, how much I admire her, how she’s aging. It’s interesting to watch your parents age, isn’t it? Typically, at some point there is a gradual role reversal in terms of watching out for the other’s well-being. Still, your parents are your parents. If yours, like mine, were as sure and steady as rocks while you were growing up, it’s hard to see them behave in any way contrary to that.
When Randy and I first moved to Florida in 2021, Mom flew down to visit shortly after. She was 87 at the time. Still full of life, she was game for everything and we had a great time while she was here. Because I wrote about her 90th birthday in this blog, most of you know that she hit that mark last June. She hasn’t been the same since.
If I’m being honest, I think the decline began about 6 months earlier when her best friend, her next door neighbor, finally passed away at the age of 103. Alvina lived in the adjoining apartment to Mom and Dad from the time they moved into that complex in September 2013. Alvina was a role model for Mom in positivity, longevity, and zest for life. She commented on it alot. After Dad died in December 2017, Mom transitioned from having the purpose to look after Dad, to taking it upon herself to look out for Alvina. They played cards often. Mom is still driving and Alvina was not so Mom “was needed.” Mom checked on her a couple of times every day. I think that helped keep her young.
My sister, Patti, is now Mom’s primary friend and companion, and Patti doesn’t “need” Mom. As mothers and daughters often do, they sometimes butt heads or are short with each other. But, in my opinion, the main reason Mom seems to have lost her spark is because she isn’t “needed” by anyone for anything. Her love “language” has always been service (food, as in feeding people, is a close second). When a person no longer has anyone to “communicate” with, it gets mighty lonely. Then add the isolation of brutal Wisconsin winters. It’s a recipe for noticeable physical, emotional, and mental decline.
As Mom voiced her concerns about that impending winter loneliness several month ago, I did my best to try to convince her that she could break it up by coming down to sunny Florida and spending a month or so with me and Randy. It’s an easy, inexpensive, non-stop flight from Appleton to Punta Gorda. It was a very hard sell. And the more she sunk into the morass of loneliness and depression, the more she became muddled or outright opposed to the idea.
Patti must have gotten to her though. She, too, wanted to come down for a nice winter break. Instead of a month though, they agreed on about 10 days. They arrive this coming Sunday.
Because Mom is such a social creature, and the joy of her life is her family, all of us (her kids) think she’s going to be really happy she made the trip to Florida. As I’ve mentioned before, she is the last one living of her generation. Many of her sibling’s kids have migrated to south Florida. There are three generations from her side of the family down here who adore her and can’t wait to see her. We’re having a mini family reunion while she’s here. They are all coming to her to avoid the stress of having her make the effort to see them individually.
Still, she’s nervous and fretful about the trip. I understand it’s a function of aging, but it is surprising to observe and realize the process in real time. Her natural confidence is diminished, her stress level is elevated, and her negative emotional response to all of that is high. The more she worries about it, the worse the worries loom large. I’m praying that once she actually packs that suitcase (I have no idea what to bring, Laurie!), and the effort of getting in the car and on the flight is behind her, she’ll be more relaxed. I hope she’ll find that the anticipation of what’s to come is much worse than actually doing the thing.
I am sure of one thing, though. I’m never going to push her to do what she doesn’t want to do anymore. Just like I know this trip is going to be good for her mentally and emotionally, and I think that once she’s back home in her recliner watching the game show channel, I know that the stress she’s experiencing so well in advance of the trip, is not good for her. It probably would have been much better to not have 4 months between the reservations and the trip.
Having said all that, I am so excited to be able to spend time with my mom and my sister here in the sun and the warmth (for them…since next week is going to be cool by SW Florida standards). Except for the mini reunion, where we have to travel to Naples, I’m going to let Mom set the pace for what she does and does not want to do while here. If all she wants to do is sit in a recliner and watch the game show channel, well, at least she’ll be comfortable.
I hope she doesn’t just sit though. I pray that being in an environment with people around her revs her engines and brings some color back to her life. I am optimistic she’ll realize that she’d rather be among people. That realization may help her come to the conclusion that maybe it’s time to move to a senior community where she can walk down the hall and interact with others who also need that social interaction for their physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. It’s easy to NOT act when you know an action is called for, but in the long run, action often moves one to a better situation.
So, Mom, I know I’ve been talking about you like you’re not going to read this, but I know you will. I’m looking forward to seeing you here. May your trip be easy in spite of your reluctance to make it. Yes, you’ll be exhausted when you return home, but may the effort have been worth it, and may the memories we’ll make while you’re here bring you joy and laughter for the rest of your days.
P.S. I got some great news this week. I never have to have another colonoscopy in my entire life. The doc’s exact words were “You have a great colon. Normally I’d recommend another one in 10 years, but by then you’ll be 80, so, (shrugged) what’s the point?” My first thought? “Yikes, I’m going to 80 in 10 years!” Regardless, never having to do another colonoscopy prep is very good news.
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