On your 80th birthday, what do you want people to say about you? And how is that different than what they will say about you?
A friend and I are currently having a kind of deep, on-going, existential discussion. She and I are grappling with some of the same issues. In retirement we’re led to believe that this is “our time,” that it’s time to put ourselves first for a while. But that seems so selfish to those who have been selfless their whole lives. Weren’t we created by God and put on this earth to be in service to others? Shouldn’t we have a purpose to get up every morning and add value to our families, our community, and to humanity in general? And if that’s true, what does that look like in lives where children are grown, we don’t work for a living every day, and our lives aren’t dictated by urgent needs of others any longer?
It’s a weird place, totally foreign to working class folks like us. A few times, in the past, when my head’s been in this weird place, I always came up with the same answer—I need a spiritual retreat. Not in a formal sense, but to get away from my daily life and environment so I can spend time in deep contemplation about the current structure of my existence, what I like about it and what needs to be changed, and how I can and should give back for all the blessings showered on me so lavishly. I have actually done that in the past, went off to a place for a few days by myself just to think and make some decisions. It’s always been a renewing, successful endeavor.
As I was contemplating the situation this week, I recalled my days as a Stephen Covey 7-Habits of Highly Effective People facilitator, and the Personal Mission Statement workshops I’ve participated in and facilitated over my corporate career. After I escaped Corporate America, I designed and offered a Community Education workshop titled “Who Are You?” For 2 hours one night a week, for 4 weeks, adults stepped out of their comfortable surroundings to sit in a classroom setting and ponder that question. The workshop consisted of writing the answers to a series of thought-provoking questions to get participants to think deeply about their lives, how they got to their current place (in life) and where they wanted to go from here. One of the first exercises is the two questions above.
The main reason I designed an 8-hour workshop at a community education center is so people took the time out of their busy lives to think about and write down the answer to the questions. It’s human tendency, in our busyness, to quickly read the question, think “good question” and move on without ever giving it much thought again. Enrolling in and committing to the workshop gave a participant permission and the opportunity to take time to think about and answer the question. For those of you who would like to do this for yourself, I’ve linked a PDF here for you to print.
The goal of the exercise is to find the difference between what you want them to say about you and what, if your birthday was very soon, they WOULD say about you. And if you aren’t too happy with your I’m-not-lying-to-myself, honest answer to that question, you need to decide what you’re going to do about it. What do you need to change? Who do you need to apologize to? What baggage do you need to unpack and/or dispose of? Might you need to move? What do you need to do, read, study, dump, think, participate in, enforce, believe, orchestrate, imagine, handle, spark, and/or forget to ensure what you want them to say is actually what they do say about you.
This isn’t an easy exercise. Some folks have no idea how to answer. I suggest if you’re stuck there, substitute the question “What do I NOT want people to say about me on my 80th birthday.” For some reason, that’s easier to answer. So start there and think hard. Keep thinking. If you’re serious about finding some clarity about the muddle you feel in your current situation no matter what your age, thinking persistently about it, and praying for clarity, will go a very long way in helping you focus on finding the answer(s) you seek. And will help you find a path that leads to creating the life you want people to talk about on your 80th birthday.
Tell me, in the comments, what you’re thinking! And blessings in the process.
P.S. This exercise is a little like dreaming about what you would choose to do with money if you suddenly won millions of dollars in the lottery. It’s one thing to barely have enough money every month for the necessity of living, and save what little is left over for a big splurge every now and then. But what if you could extravagantly choose how to spend a WHOLE LOT OF MONEY? Same issue, I think, except we’re talking about spending the WHOLE LOT OF TIME we suddenly have in retirement. And there’s no way to save up the time.
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