When It’s Time for a Senior Living Community

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When we get to retirement age, if we’re lucky enough to have parents who are still living, often times there begins a role reversal that is quite interesting for all involved.  I wrote about it 18 months ago in a post linked here.  Six months after that when I went to Wisconsin for my mother’s 90^th birthday, the significance and irony of that post became clear. 

At her party Mom somehow tweaked the sciatic nerve on her left side and spent the next 6 weeks in a fair amount of pain.  She’s been healthy and active all her life.  When something physical goes wrong she takes it personally and it makes her cranky and scared.  It diminishes her mentally as well as physically, and with no experience in that life arena, her normal cheerfulness and confidence just goes to hell in a handbasket. 

Her situation was dire enough that I packed for an extended trip back to Wisconsin just a week after I’d returned home from her birthday celebration.  There were a lot of factors that made that trip necessary and perfect.  The most significant thing we did while I was with her that second time was toured all the senior living communities in Manitowoc.  We had long talks about when and under what conditions she might feel ready to move from her own apartment (which she loved). 

Mom knew stories of her friends who were forced by an event or family members to move somewhere they didn’t feel ready for and/or weren’t of their choosing.  Feeling like they’d completely lost control of their lives led to bitterness, unhappiness, depression, and sometimes an earlier death than might have otherwise happened.  None of my family wanted that to happen to our mom, and she, of course, wanted to have as much say in the process as possible.  So, while I was still there last year, she decided where she wanted to go when the time came and put a deposit down to be added to the waiting list.  She specifically requested an apartment on the first floor of the 3-story building.

Over the past year, that senior community called her several times when they had openings.  She turned them down, asking them to keep her on the list.  She just wasn’t ready.   When she visited me in Florida in January, we had a long talk about her current feelings and situation.  She said that after April, if the community called with a first floor opening, she was going to take it.  That call came in mid-April, but still mom was hesitant.  It took her a couple of weeks to decide that yes, it was time to move.  We were grateful she didn’t feel rushed or pushed too hard into making a decision.

Still, the decision process and moving prospect overwhelmed her.  I assured her Randy and I would come up and spend nearly a month helping her navigate everything that had to be done.  All she had to do was make the decisions whether to go and what she wanted to take with her.  But the whole situation was complicated when, on the day she went to look at the apartment with my brother and sisters who are in town, the wind blew a heavy truck door closed on her leg.  The physical damage and pain put her right back in the same mental state she was in last year.  But she decided to move to the senior living community.

What seems overwhelming to her looked to me like a very manageable project. 

The first surprise, and peace, came for her when my very efficient, professional project manager sister-in-law measured the rooms in her new apartment and showed her how most of the things she owned could fit there.

A couple of days ago we began sorting her clothes closets.  It didn’t take more than 2 hours to work through the things she wanted to keep and the things she was willing to let go of.  Mom’s always been a bit of a minimalist.  She doesn’t like clutter and doesn’t accumulate things.  She doesn’t have years old clothes and has no problem getting rid of things (except kitchen stuff) that no longer serve her needs.  In less than 4 hours, we’d finished all the closets, the dresser and chest drawers in her bedroom, and had a plan for the next two days.  She was completely surprised at how quickly those daunting (in her mind) tasks were completed and BEHIND her. 

The move is also made easier, physically and mentally, by the fact that we can start moving things into her new apartment a full week before furniture moving day.  Most of what she’s taking will already be there and put in place before she gets her big furniture.  It’s a blessing that it’s going so smoothly and without hurry. 

Mom and I walked into the lobby of her new home building this morning and she was warmly greeted by at least 4 of the residents.  She just lights up with that human contact.  I have no doubt she’s going to love living there.  She needs a lot of social interaction to sustain her physical and mental health as long as humanly possible.  Her new home is such a beautiful place.  Heck, I wouldn’t mind living there!

There are still things that I have to be concerned about, like getting rid of all the stuff she’s NOT taking.  Luckily there are a lot of grandkids in the area.  Many of the larger pieces are spoken for or we will put them on Facebook Marketplace.  We’re going to have a free-for-the-taking garage event next weekend and invite all the family who live nearby to come get what they want.  After it’s picked over, we’ll take the rest to whatever thrift store in the area Mom wants to support.  I thank God she didn’t insist on trying to sell everything.  I. HATE. GARAGE. SALES.

We found out this morning that on the day we’re moving her into her new apartment, they’re having a “prom” at the community.  She says she’s not going…no how, no way.  We’ll see.  What a joy it would be to see my mom all dressed up for Prom in the only dress she still owns, the one she wore to the celebration we had for her and Dad’s 50^th wedding anniversary.  And what a great way to make her debut as a member of her new senior community!

It is a blessing I can’t even describe for Randy and me to be here, helping Mom make this transition to probably the last chapter of her life.  The fact that we’ve been thinking about it for so long, making plans for when it’s time, is what has been the key to the calm, easy, move she is making.

P.S.  We’re having a lot of fun in between the easy work it’s taking to make this move happen.  It’s Wisconsin, and though I’d never want to live here again, it sure is nice to visit.