They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Thankfully, technology today can help create pictures that tell the story of a thousand-word post in one image. And this is it. This picture truly depicts where my emotions have been in the last month or two. A complete gamut of good and not so good things, all tumbling around like clothes in a dryer. I never know from one minute to the next how I’m going to feel. Mostly my emotions are out of control, and I certainly don’t like it much.
When I have something to focus on, as I did last week, there’s little time or energy to experience emotion. I just move from one task or situation to the next. That’s generally a good thing, but it can be exhausting. When the exhaustion sets in, I’m aware enough to step back and rest. But that rest then allows all the emotion the busyness holds back to rush forward and overtake me again. It’s a disconcerting cycle.
Last week, as I mentioned, my good friends Nancy and Bruce got married on Saturday. Randy was supposed to marry them, but they asked me to stand in for him. The picture of him with them the first time he blessed their God-focused commitment to each other a couple weeks before he died sat on the table behind us. This time the vows to affirm the commitment were made in front of family and friends, and to make it legal according to the laws of government.
Nancy and Bruce really know how to celebrate. The festivities started on Thursday and involved 3 full days of chores to get their house ready for the big day and party they planned. Nancy loves to feed people…food is her love language…and we ate and drank like royalty for 3 full days. There were so many people involved every day that the work didn’t seem like a lot. Others probably worked far harder than I did.
The wedding was beautiful, the party was loads of fun, the rain held off, and suddenly, that highly anticipated event was over.
The next day a melancholy like I haven’t experienced for some time settled on me. I just couldn’t shake it, even when the Packers played a great game and beat the Bears 31-7 that afternoon.
When I was mentoring women years ago one of the standard questions I asked them after they related their sad tales of woe was, “What are you going to do about it?”
I turned that advice inward this week. I gave myself the talk….
“I’m sorry this happened to you. Sometimes life deals us a rotten hand we just have to play. You have the power to make choices about how to move forward. So, what are you going to do about this?”
I know, from experience, the melancholy is transient. I know part of it is akin to post-partum depression, the highly anticipated event is over and now ordinary life returns. I also knew part of the melancholy stemmed from the weather. It’s rained almost a week straight. I hadn’t been able to get out and take my daily walk, which I’ve learned to look forward to (imagine that!). It wasn’t so much the rain as the threat of lightning in the park where I walk every day. It used to be a golf course. They stop play on golf courses when lightning is near, for very good reason. Florida consistently leads the US in lightening related deaths and fatalities. And I’m not particularly anxious to join Randy any time soon in the place his soul currently exists.
So, here’s my plan for this next stage of my life, to stave off the melancholy whenever possible and move through the difficult days.
I’ve already mentioned how many visitors have been penciled in at Grathen’s Last Resort from now until February. This month I’ve decided to take a short trip to Wisconsin to spend a few days with mom who isn’t feeling very well these days.
I’m also learning a new skill. Years ago I would have never considered this, but I am studying and learning about something I’m not ready to reveal or talk about it yet. It will take time and dedication to develop some proficiency. I’m really looking forward to this undertaking because life-long learning is near and dear to my heart.
For those of you who’ve been shaking your heads wondering what the hell I’m thinking by being on the dating sites, you’ll be happy to know I got that curiosity out of my system. Nancy told me (many, many times) that I was crazy…there’s nothing good out there. Some of my friends have had success on a dating app. I wanted to see for myself.
There was one man who was real, very nice, and very much a possibility for friendship that might have grown. After a few weeks of correspondence, I thought the 4-hour distance between us and a few key compatibility issues probably were too much to make anything long term or more serious unlikely. I felt bad being honest with him about that because there was absolutely nothing wrong with him.
After my melancholy day on Sunday the sun was out on Monday morning. I went for my walk, practiced my new skill a bit, did some pool maintenance, made the airline reservations to go see mom, and suddenly realized the melancholy had lifted. By the time I got to Trivia in the afternoon I felt almost normal again, or at least as normal as I feel these days.
So, that, my friends, is what I’m going to do about it. I’m going to force myself to carry on even on the days I’d rather crawl back in bed and pull the covers up over my head. I’m going to remember that Randy wanted me to go on living as full a life as is possible. I’m going to keep my heart and mind open to possibilities for improvement and joy, keep doing what I can to keep my brain and body in the best shape possible, and keeping loving those who are still loving me and lifting me up through this tough season of my life.
Thank you for hanging in there with me.
P.S. I’m thankful this has been such a non-eventful hurricane season in our neck of the woods. My heart goes out to all those affected by Hurricane Isaias up in the Florida Panhandle, including some close family who are near and dear to my heart. Please pray for everyone in the path of that storm. I know well how hard the aftermath can be.
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