When was the last time you went to the mailbox and came back clutching a personal letter from someone you value in your life?
Not a greeting card with a few handwritten words to supplement the generic message some anonymous greeting card writer wrote. Not a thank you note for a gift you gave someone. I’m talking about a full-on, hand-written letter with personalized news, comments, feelings, and information from the person who specifically wrote the letter to you.
My guess is that less than 10% of you will be able to remember the last time. And that’s a shame.
My mother’s 89th birthday was in June. I am too cheap to buy greeting cards except at Dollar Tree or Dollar General anymore, so I didn’t have a birthday card for her. On the day I realized that if I didn’t get something in the mail to her that day, I would commit the cardinal sin of daughterhood (having mom not receive a birthday greeting in the mail on or before her birthday). I was too lazy to actually get in my car and run to one of the Dollar stores, but it occurred to me that I could save the price of a card and still make mom happy if I wrote her an actual letter wishing her a happy birthday.
When I sat down with some pretty stationery I had from gosh knows when, words came flooding to me. I was overwhelmed, choked up even, with love for my mom, who she is as a mother and is now as a friend. As I put words to paper, I poured out my heart to her, telling her things I remembered from my formative years, times when we were together that were especially important to me, things that happened between her and me that become defining moments in my life. I thanked her for her wisdom and love and told her how much I still appreciate her as a mentor and a friend. I wrote things in that letter I never took the time to say to mom. Why? Perhaps because there’s seldom an opportunity in a busy face-to-face, day-to-day relationship. Perhaps because we don’t take time to reflect on how one life forms and affects another, not only physically, but mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
I knew, as I began to write to mom, how she would react to the missive. I (thoughtfully!) cautioned her early in the letter to grab a box of tissues before reading any further. I knew what would happen because I know her, and how like her I am, and I cried while writing the dang thing.
Sure enough, about a week later, mom called me, bawling.
Blubbering, mom told me that the letter was one of the best birthday gifts she ever received (take that, Hallmark!). She said she was going to read it over and over again, and told me how it brought back memories she didn’t know were even there. We laughed about some of the things I’d written and sniffled through some others. She kept repeating how much getting the letter touched her and made her whole day (week…month….year!). My mom is not prone to hyperbole, so I know that receiving that letter was really, REALLY, special to her.
I was glad that morning for my laziness in not wanting to go out and buy some run-of-the-mill birthday card. And I was glad that I am blessed with the ability to write well enough to evoke the kind of emotion mom experienced in reading my letter. I wondered why I never thought of doing this before. And I vowed to try to spread the word of how important it is that we don’t lose the art of personal communication, especially with those we love, through old-style means instead of quick, impersonal electronic means.
I believe strongly that it’s also important to actually talk to people. There’s nothing like being able to see or hear the demeanor and expressions used when communicating. Getting words on an electronic device is so often unsatisfying, not to mention subject to misinterpretation. Yes, I know there’s a place for text and e-mail, but when love and/or emotion are involved, your first choice for communication should always be in-person. Same time communication (as in one talking, one listening, then an appropriate response, repeat till finished) is always better than texting or e-mail when emotion is a factor.
I’ve started trying to remember to actually call, rather than text, people when I just have something to say or some arrangements to make with them. I have to tamp down the guilt I experience in thinking I may be interrupting their lives. Dang it though, we used to call people all the time and they were fine with it. Texting when you should be having a conversation is time consuming and disruptive, in addition to being so darned unsatisfying. Why not just call, spend a few minutes talking, and be done with it?
To make deep, meaningful personal connections and build individual bridges, take the time and spend the energy to actually write a good, old-fashioned letter to someone you value. Receiving a letter makes people feel valued and provides something tangible to remind them of their value as often as they might need to be reminded. Hand-writing to someone is a worthy and loving investment in your relationship. It forces you to be contemplative and reflective about what you’re going to say and how you say it.
I’ve even been making an effort to write thank you notes to people, not just for gifts, but for how they treat me, or an experience we share. I write to doctors and their staff who have treated me so well over the last 6 months, I write to friends and family who take the time to visit us here in Florida, I write to folks I meet and connect with in my day-to-day life. I write to people who cross my mind during the day, just to let them know in a tangible and lasting way, that I’m thinking about and/or praying for them. Sometimes these communications are electronic because that’s the only way I know to contact a person I’ve met only casually, but I think when the relationship is that casual, even electronic communication can make a positive impact.
The act of writing something down is healing and can be quite cathartic. That’s why journaling is so often recommended in therapy. That’s a rabbit trail I won’t go down here, but it is something to remember about this whole topic. If you’re not sure how you feel about something or someone, pull out a pen and paper and just start writing down whatever comes to mind. It doesn’t have to make sense but get it out and then take a look at it after a time. You may be surprised by what you learn.
I challenge you. Write to someone you value this week. Even if they live in the same house as you do. And let me know how that goes for you.
P.S. The pool cage is finished and I am amazed at how different the house feels with it. That pool cage brings the outside in and makes me feel like my home includes God’s creation, as opposed to just a man-built, concrete structure. I don’t know how to explain it…it’s just something I experience. But I sure do love that experience.
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